September 11th, 2001

I’ll never forget it.

I was in the 6th grade.

I think I was in another class at the time and out of nowhere over the intercom everybody got sent back to their homerooms. I was in Mrs. Robinson’s class…

When we came in the classroom, the “sash” that separated two classrooms was open and the T.V. was on.

Everybody sat down in their seats at turend to look at the T. V. All I could see were two identical tall buildings with thick, dark gray smoke curling endlessly from them…and then close-ups of people…falling (jumping) from the buildings.

We all watched the screen transfixed, and the teachers were all visibly upset but I had no idea what was happening.

We ended up getting sent home early that day…and once I got home, I came in to ALL the T.V.s in the house being on and flashing those same disturbing images as what I saw in school.

All the lights were on in the house for some reason too. I went upstairs to watch with my mom, and my aunt and pop-pop were downstairs watching in the living room. The days and weeks that followed were filled with uneasiness and fear…

It feels so strange being a classroom 16 years later hearing a teacher describe the events of that day to little children who weren’t even thought of then.

Very strange indeed…

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Artist’s Block #1

Art keeps calling me…beckoning me to fall between the sheets of sketchbook paper…rolling across the surface of a canvas bed, wanting me to soak the surface with passion and paint…but I can’t lie down here.

My heart is frozen in a state of fear and self-denial. I’m gazing out the window, chasing after things that are outside of myself and my natural element. Art calls regardless.

I can feel its phantom touch caress my Imagination, and wild images of us flash by in my Mind’s Eye…but for some reason it won’t translate in the physical.

How do I stop this? How do I change this? How do I allow myself to free-fall into the arms of my lover again?

Art. Loyalty like no other. How could I betray this figure who’s been there since the very beginning?

How do I ground myself in the comfort of creation again? It feels like I’ve lost touch…

Blocked.

Where do I go from here?

 

Ability

I can lie here and feel safe…and warm

I can fall into your arms and away

From the ways

Of this Twist’d world forever…

I can breathe in your precious,

Natural

Earthy

Spice of a Scent

Clinging to your Cinnamon Skin

And I can find myself…spiraling

Quickly out of CONTROL

Blissfully into Ordered Chaos

And

Chaotic Order…

I can feel the colors

Of our Mood

I can sense the burnt oranges,

the deep golds

the varying yellows…

I can FEEL the Vibrations of the

Traces of green coming my Way,

And straight into yours….

I can SEE with eyes wide shut

The Ascension of Two Spirits

Who shed their Two Bodies

Just to become One

In the Sun…

I can taste…taste…

The sweet blues of Serenity

The sweet blues of you and me

The gentle, delicious secrets

Of a bedroom at Twilight….

Oh yes, Blessed King…

I Vibe and I thrive

On it ALL…

I can prophesy the gliding

The smooth rotations

Of this fixation

From the mutual gravitation

Of SOUL/SOL

And SOUL/SOL…

Knows…

More…

Than…

I/Eye…

Activation…fading quickly

Into a comfortable DARKNESS…

Break. Kiss. Fix’d.

Mmm….

I can…

I can…heal…

I can…pursue…

I can…BREATHE…

I can…Dream about you.

~SOULar Lioness XOXO

© 2015 K. N. Dozier. All Rights Reserved.

Where Have You Been?: Let. It. OUT.

It’s been a loooooong time, huh?

Well, after an inspiring conversation with another fellow creative and blogger, after being reminded of my old presence online in blogs I cherished in my own way, after thinking back on how a few loyal readers reached out and said they missed my posts, after remembering the joy of creating happily for myself and others around the world….

A quiet return.

And a story.

To say that 2017 has been a challenging year is an absolute INSULT of an understatement. The Omniverse decided to waltz right on in and say, “Hm, let’s shake things up for Way this year…SHAKE HER UP AND SHAKE HER HARD! Make her feel like the world is ending! Make her feel like there’s no way out of any of this! Make her have breakdown after breakdown to see if she’ll get up again and remember that she’s a Child of the Most High with POWER!” Honestly! That’s exactly how it felt! Literally from January all the way up to this very moment as I type, my life has been nothing but back-to-back-to-back drama in my world! It’s been GOOD, BAD, UGLY, and BEYOND!

smilefrown

An old friendship-turned-relationship for the “new year” (GOOD); a miscarriage soon after (BAD); no real chance to release or heal from said miscarriage despite being sent home from work by a caring and understanding boss for X amount of time to do just that (though I eventually tried through poetry), plus turning around and falling terribly ill with something resembling the flu but not quite the flu therefore missing an A WHOLE ‘NOTHER WEEK of work (UGLY); a few weeks later, find out another baby has been planted because of ill-informed, unprotected comforting/mourning sex (BEYOND)!

*EXHALES SHARPLY* YES. All that and this was only January and February. Need I go on?

I could, but there are certain parts I’m not comfortable with sharing yet…maybe one day. Maybe in a blog. Maybe in a speech. Maybe in a book…maybe never at all…but surely, not today. So skipping ahead a bit…

Boyfriend and I stand strong and maintain together as an unbreakable team no matter what (GOOD); ALL the wonderful savings for my own apartment spent on immediate needs (BAD); one of my two job positions has been eliminated (actually “disallowing one person to fill two positions at the same time” is what actually happened) because the place of business has nothing else better to do (UGLY); on top of all that…the newest one in the place (me) is also the “weakest link” (budget-wise)–so, GOODBYE! Can you say “forced transfer?” (BEYOND)! What else could possibly happen?

PLENTY. Again…that’s a tale for another day. Maybe.

But it hasn’t been ALL bad…I’m no tragic little damsel.

Our families and friends have been well-receiving of the news of the baby complete with a baby shower in the works (though NO ONE knows about my Lost One…unless they were to chance upon this entry somehow); despite the forced transfer, I got my FIRST CHOICE site selection; despite months of a dry spell of creative works (visual arts, writing, basic everyday journaling, etc.), I’m slowly but surely getting back up and stepping into my joy and routine again; I’m piecing myself back together and settling into myself and my power of Self-Care, etc. I have a strong support circle, and most importantly I’m STILL HERE…

And so to answer the Omniverse: YES, I HAVE in fact remembered that I’m a Child of the Most High with POWER.

This may sound like a quick, cheesy ending to a story but this is FAR from the end. The truth is, I’ve been musing over this entry for a couple of hours now, believe it or not, all while listening to some Mos Def and talking to baby bouncing around in the womb. But now the boyfriend has come home from work and I’m hungry, so…yeah. (^_^)

All in all, it feels great to break the ice and return. I do feel a little bit lighter with this brief update.

Poetry and creative writings are on the way!

Inner-Stirrings of the Soul

My body is YEARNING for movement.
Limbs so long, always cramped up
In tight spaces
From being in too-small places
No one could ever understand the pain
In all my years of hiding in shame
From the teasing and torment…
spiraling down in a mutation to SELF-LOATHING…
And spending many years climbing back up
Many MORE years remembering that I have wings..
The truth of the matter is…
I just want to DANCE.

© 2017 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.

 

QUESTions

Darling,
When are you going to
Get that pressure and pain
Up off your back?
Why do you insist that it be there?
When the Most High paves the way
And the Ancestors guide you,
Why do you choose to stray?
And when will you stop running from yourself
Running from your True, Highest Self
Only to run INTO yourself
and further hurt yourself?
Falling?
No.
Darling,
You are so much MORE than that
So much more than FEAR
Your Destiny is unfolding before you yet So Sweet Child…
I ask…
When are you going to
Get that pressure and pain
Up off your back?
Take a deep breath, dive in,
and Set your Self FREE.

~”QUESTions”

Just a small note-to-Self that turned into a poem. ❤

© 2017 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.

Love Note #1

I still love you though I never knew you.

I still miss you…

You’re everything to me.

Everything that could have been…

A dream…

Everything I one day hope to be.

Fly free.

Ase.

 

~Waiting…

© 2017 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.