Art, It Was Written...

Artist’s Block #1

Art keeps calling me…beckoning me to fall between the sheets of sketchbook paper…rolling across the surface of a canvas bed, wanting me to soak the surface with passion and paint…but I can’t lie down here.

My heart is frozen in a state of fear and self-denial. I’m gazing out the window, chasing after things that are outside of myself and my natural element. Art calls regardless.

I can feel its phantom touch caress my Imagination, and wild images of us flash by in my Mind’s Eye…but for some reason it won’t translate in the physical.

How do I stop this? How do I change this? How do I allow myself to free-fall into the arms of my lover again?

Art. Loyalty like no other. How could I betray this figure who’s been there since the very beginning?

How do I ground myself in the comfort of creation again? It feels like I’ve lost touch…

Blocked.

Where do I go from here?

 

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WARRIOR of LIGHT

Where Have You Been?: Let. It. OUT.

It’s been a loooooong time, huh?

Well, after an inspiring conversation with another fellow creative and blogger, after being reminded of my old presence online in blogs I cherished in my own way, after thinking back on how a few loyal readers reached out and said they missed my posts, after remembering the joy of creating happily for myself and others around the world….

A quiet return.

And a story.

To say that 2017 has been a challenging year is an absolute INSULT of an understatement. The Omniverse decided to waltz right on in and say, “Hm, let’s shake things up for Way this year…SHAKE HER UP AND SHAKE HER HARD! Make her feel like the world is ending! Make her feel like there’s no way out of any of this! Make her have breakdown after breakdown to see if she’ll get up again and remember that she’s a Child of the Most High with POWER!” Honestly! That’s exactly how it felt! Literally from January all the way up to this very moment as I type, my life has been nothing but back-to-back-to-back drama in my world! It’s been GOOD, BAD, UGLY, and BEYOND!

smilefrown

An old friendship-turned-relationship for the “new year” (GOOD); a miscarriage soon after (BAD); no real chance to release or heal from said miscarriage despite being sent home from work by a caring and understanding boss for X amount of time to do just that (though I eventually tried through poetry), plus turning around and falling terribly ill with something resembling the flu but not quite the flu therefore missing an A WHOLE ‘NOTHER WEEK of work (UGLY); a few weeks later, find out another baby has been planted because of ill-informed, unprotected comforting/mourning sex (BEYOND)!

*EXHALES SHARPLY* YES. All that and this was only January and February. Need I go on?

I could, but there are certain parts I’m not comfortable with sharing yet…maybe one day. Maybe in a blog. Maybe in a speech. Maybe in a book…maybe never at all…but surely, not today. So skipping ahead a bit…

Boyfriend and I stand strong and maintain together as an unbreakable team no matter what (GOOD); ALL the wonderful savings for my own apartment spent on immediate needs (BAD); one of my two job positions has been eliminated (actually “disallowing one person to fill two positions at the same time” is what actually happened) because the place of business has nothing else better to do (UGLY); on top of all that…the newest one in the place (me) is also the “weakest link” (budget-wise)–so, GOODBYE! Can you say “forced transfer?” (BEYOND)! What else could possibly happen?

PLENTY. Again…that’s a tale for another day. Maybe.

But it hasn’t been ALL bad…I’m no tragic little damsel.

Our families and friends have been well-receiving of the news of the baby complete with a baby shower in the works (though NO ONE knows about my Lost One…unless they were to chance upon this entry somehow); despite the forced transfer, I got my FIRST CHOICE site selection; despite months of a dry spell of creative works (visual arts, writing, basic everyday journaling, etc.), I’m slowly but surely getting back up and stepping into my joy and routine again; I’m piecing myself back together and settling into myself and my power of Self-Care, etc. I have a strong support circle, and most importantly I’m STILL HERE…

And so to answer the Omniverse: YES, I HAVE in fact remembered that I’m a Child of the Most High with POWER.

This may sound like a quick, cheesy ending to a story but this is FAR from the end. The truth is, I’ve been musing over this entry for a couple of hours now, believe it or not, all while listening to some Mos Def and talking to baby bouncing around in the womb. But now the boyfriend has come home from work and I’m hungry, so…yeah. (^_^)

All in all, it feels great to break the ice and return. I do feel a little bit lighter with this brief update.

Poetry and creative writings are on the way!

Poetry

Inner-Stirrings of the Soul

My body is YEARNING for movement.
Limbs so long, always cramped up
In tight spaces
From being in too-small places
No one could ever understand the pain
In all my years of hiding in shame
From the teasing and torment…
spiraling down in a mutation to SELF-LOATHING…
And spending many years climbing back up
Many MORE years remembering that I have wings..
The truth of the matter is…
I just want to DANCE.

© 2017 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.

 

Poetry

QUESTions

Darling,
When are you going to
Get that pressure and pain
Up off your back?
Why do you insist that it be there?
When the Most High paves the way
And the Ancestors guide you,
Why do you choose to stray?
And when will you stop running from yourself
Running from your True, Highest Self
Only to run INTO yourself
and further hurt yourself?
Falling?
No.
Darling,
You are so much MORE than that
So much more than FEAR
Your Destiny is unfolding before you yet So Sweet Child…
I ask…
When are you going to
Get that pressure and pain
Up off your back?
Take a deep breath, dive in,
and Set your Self FREE.

~”QUESTions”

Just a small note-to-Self that turned into a poem. ❤

© 2017 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.

Poetry

Delayed Reaction

The gravity of the reality
of this situation
finally
came crashing down upon me
In waves,
solid waves,
throughout the night
last night.
And the absolute finality
of this frozen memory
also dawned upon me,
haunting me…
Tears soon followed
in waves,
solid waves,
throughout the night
last night,
haunting, daunting, taunting
For what seems to be
an eternity.
It’s almost hard to imagine
that I will be alright.

© 2016 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.

Poetry

When the Inevitable Comes Knocking Again

After that last word was written,
Envelope sealed,
I felt myself be lifted
Up from my body, where I stare blankly down at myself
As I move now without thought…
My Mind is a million miles away
My eyes are dry but threaten to breaststroke
And the shards of my Heart are
Raining down, invisible.

 
© 2016 K. N. Dozier. All rights reserved.